I was a member of a group of ladies who decided to live a different lifestyle. Some clothed diapered, some breastfed, or only ate organic. Some did everything green. The idea was to support one another in their quest to live a life as green and natural as possible.
The lady who ran the group is just as sweet as can be. Probably one of the most supportive people I have ever met. I will miss her so. I could write her about anything and nary a hurtful word one would come out of her mouth. More people should be like that.
But I was doomed from the start. I talk way too much and don't know when to hold back. You see I've been through a lot in my 32 years on this earth. More then many even know. So I found comfort in the "non-judgmental" aspect of the group. Being judged every moment of my life I found solace in venting and hoping it fall on caring ears.
Then one day a member (I shall keep all people nameless as I am not a catty person) made a comment how I always "know" someone who went through this and how I always must comment on that and people were sick of it. From there is snowballed to others making such comments and being mean. I couldn't believe that such people would be like this to me. I admit I whine a lot. I complain a lot. But it seemed that others did that and it was always met with such joy and comfort that I too longed for it.
It was like high school again I didn't fit into the click. One moment someone was messaging me they understood. The next messaging a friend that they couldn't believe she was friends with me. How could she stand me? One woman had the nerve to say to my friend that I needed to wake up and see how fat my daughter was. That every picture I took had her eating junk food and when was I gonna realize I had a fat child?
More things happened and I finally let loose with a longer story of my life at the request of the owner. More judgement came and she was stood up for me. Things started getting better then the group moved from a board over to a FB page.
I noticed that a lot of my posts would get ignored or have a negative comment or two. One even posted "all you do is come here to complain." After this morning when I admitted fault in using language unbecoming of mother this same woman posted how wrong I was and how if she had children she wouldn't let them play with me. I get so sick and tired of people pretending they don't ever make a mistake and I told her had she been in the situation she'd understand and it was mistake for opening my heart. She said my only mistake was thinking people would sympathize.
So I told her how I think it's wrong that others can get such support and I get negative responses. Like the one she posted about "all you do is complain." That everyone should scroll back and look at all the complaining they do and how different the response is. She said it wasn't true but she knows it is. So do others that defeat the purpose of the group.
I don't understand exactly if it's just the complaining and needing support that rubs people wrong. But I can't understand why grown people message each other back and forth how weird I am and how fat my child is and think they are mature enough to give opinion on my life. Really? I was simply reaching out and you pretend to like me up front then talk horribly about me behind my back. And criticize a child? Really?
So I prayed on it and bid farewell this morning. Not sure if anyone with care. Many probably will be relieved. I don't know if anyone will be sad. I know I am a little. But I had to leave because I was gonna call out everyone who ever said something about each other and that's really immature. So I left and perhaps people will figure it all out on their own. Meanwhile I'll have to figure my problems out on my own.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
If They Don't Get to Sleep I'm Gonna Help Them Get There
So the newest parenting buzz has some parents out there acting as if they have NEVER had a moment of negative thought as a parent. Apparently the parody book (that's meant for adults mind you) "Now Go the F**k to Sleep" has parents in an uproar. How dare a parent even think those thoughts! NOT!
I love these parents who "walk on water" with their "gentle parenting" approach. I suppose the same ones find it abusive to put a child in "time out" to think about it. Well, color me evil because not only have I thought the title of the book but I use time out too! Oh, yes I'm the mean mommy who make her child and children that enter my home accountable for their actions. So wrong....I know. I mean when my child grows up and abides by the law I should be so ashamed of myself.
I'm not hear to judge others parenting styles. But I am here to say that some times people need to think before jumping to conclusions. Sure if you actually READ this book to your child it's a horrible idea. But to vent in comedy form I think is much healthier then screaming to your child "GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!" I mean I sit here and think of all my sleepless nights with my child and others and I tell you my mind not only wandered to those words but has actually screamed "GO TO SLEEP NOW OR YOU ARE GROUNDED FROM ELECTRICITY!" That meaning if it plugs in (video games, TV) you can't use it. But let me let you in on my frustration with a simple example of why.
Moms and Dads really do think differently. I don't know what is coded in our DNA to make us that way but we do. See a mom sees a scary movies as "Hell no, I'm not staying up with them all night". Where as a dad sees it as "It'll toughen 'em up." So here goes my night in hell.
I was watching a friend's 3 children overnight.....ages 2, 8. & 10. Now add my 8 year old daughter in the mix. Dad brings them over and suddenly him and hubby get into the conversation of zombie movies. In this brief conversation they decide to watch Resident Evil and Zombieland back to back. I voice my "Not with the kids awake" and it's greeted with the toddler already being asleep and the 8 year olds playing video games in the other room. This leaves the 10 year old boy in the living room. Again "Not a good idea". Greeted with his father saying "it's OK for him to watch." A battle I just wasn't gonna win. So I inform my daughter and his youngest son to "Stay in the bedroom"....which in 8 year old language translates to "Come out every five minutes to get something from the living room or kitchen and "accidentally" look at the TV". See where I'm going with this?
Fast forward to bed time and I've got 3 kids who "can't sleep by themselves". Where dad #1 has left and dad #2 is asleep, peacefully in our bedroom. Where does this leave me? My plus sized self squished on a couch with my daughter and two other children as close as they can all discussing what would happen if "this" or "that" got infected with the T-virus. Meanwhile the frustration builds over the hour and finally I scream "GO TO SLEEP NOW OR THE T-VIRUS IS GONNA BE THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!"
So I'm the lightest sleeper on the planet and I hear this voice whispering "Ms Erin? Ms Erin". I awake nose to nose with the 8 year old boy. Keep in mind I'm half blind without contacts or glasses. Luckily I fell asleep with them in...the big no no and they were cloudy. He nearly met my fist. I say "What's the matter Cohan?" He says "I can't sleep. I keep dreaming zombies are trying to get me." I tell him "It's not zombies it's God telling you that you shouldn't have been watching that movie. Now get close over by Ms Erin and if Zombies come they'll get me first because like the movie said 'the fatties go first'" This reassured him and for 5 beautiful minutes I was back to sleep zombie free.
It's now 2am and the next thing I knew my daughter is kicking the crap out of me. I look down at the other end of the couch and she is "running" in her sleep. I call her name gently "Colleen? Colleen?" and am greeted with "NO! STOP! HELP!" I call again and she is simply kicking the crap out of me. I scream "COLLEEN MIKAYLA WHAT IS WRONG?" She sits up and screams "ZOMBIES!" Cohan now sits up and screams "ZOMBIES?! WHERE?!" Carter the 10 year old awakens gently enough, raises his hand and says "Don't worry Ms Erin, I'll double tap." (Zombieland movie line). So I spend the remainder of the night hearing what if this got infected and that got infected as my husband snores from the bedroom. I'm thinking "My God if they don't go to sleep I'm gonna help them get there."
So now on our front door resides a sing warning "Danger Zombies Ahead"These same parents would call me horrible. Yeah, well spend a week in my shoes! I call me being a real mom. I'm not gonna pretend I'm perfect. If I were what kind of fun would that be? Life isn't about being a Stepford wife. It's about making mistakes, learning from them, and not doing it again. Children don't come with an instruction manual. If they did how boring would that be? Look at what we'd miss out on!
I'd have known at kindergarten age you need to give clear and precise instruction. Had I known that I'd have missed out on her finger painting my walls. Telling her "you can paint whatever you want honey" got me beautiful black hand prints all over the kitchen and up the stairs walls. I'd have missed out the "don't worry mommy, I'll clean it up(s)" and the "I've got an idea(s)" so much. All the frustration is so worth the experiences I receive not knowing what will happen next.
Will I be buying this book? Probably not. Will I be thinking it's contents? Yeah, she's only 8 now. Will I be speaking it's words. Absolutely not. I don't want my child to think I don't love her. Will I be placing the mother's curse on her? OH YEAH! Because I can't wait til that day I get a call and it's her on the other line and I hear a child in the background going "Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!" and she's like "GO TO SLEEP OR I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET THERE!" I can just smile and and say "Having a little trouble dear? Don't worry, it only gets worse from here."
I love these parents who "walk on water" with their "gentle parenting" approach. I suppose the same ones find it abusive to put a child in "time out" to think about it. Well, color me evil because not only have I thought the title of the book but I use time out too! Oh, yes I'm the mean mommy who make her child and children that enter my home accountable for their actions. So wrong....I know. I mean when my child grows up and abides by the law I should be so ashamed of myself.
I'm not hear to judge others parenting styles. But I am here to say that some times people need to think before jumping to conclusions. Sure if you actually READ this book to your child it's a horrible idea. But to vent in comedy form I think is much healthier then screaming to your child "GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!" I mean I sit here and think of all my sleepless nights with my child and others and I tell you my mind not only wandered to those words but has actually screamed "GO TO SLEEP NOW OR YOU ARE GROUNDED FROM ELECTRICITY!" That meaning if it plugs in (video games, TV) you can't use it. But let me let you in on my frustration with a simple example of why.
Moms and Dads really do think differently. I don't know what is coded in our DNA to make us that way but we do. See a mom sees a scary movies as "Hell no, I'm not staying up with them all night". Where as a dad sees it as "It'll toughen 'em up." So here goes my night in hell.
I was watching a friend's 3 children overnight.....ages 2, 8. & 10. Now add my 8 year old daughter in the mix. Dad brings them over and suddenly him and hubby get into the conversation of zombie movies. In this brief conversation they decide to watch Resident Evil and Zombieland back to back. I voice my "Not with the kids awake" and it's greeted with the toddler already being asleep and the 8 year olds playing video games in the other room. This leaves the 10 year old boy in the living room. Again "Not a good idea". Greeted with his father saying "it's OK for him to watch." A battle I just wasn't gonna win. So I inform my daughter and his youngest son to "Stay in the bedroom"....which in 8 year old language translates to "Come out every five minutes to get something from the living room or kitchen and "accidentally" look at the TV". See where I'm going with this?
Fast forward to bed time and I've got 3 kids who "can't sleep by themselves". Where dad #1 has left and dad #2 is asleep, peacefully in our bedroom. Where does this leave me? My plus sized self squished on a couch with my daughter and two other children as close as they can all discussing what would happen if "this" or "that" got infected with the T-virus. Meanwhile the frustration builds over the hour and finally I scream "GO TO SLEEP NOW OR THE T-VIRUS IS GONNA BE THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!"
So I'm the lightest sleeper on the planet and I hear this voice whispering "Ms Erin? Ms Erin". I awake nose to nose with the 8 year old boy. Keep in mind I'm half blind without contacts or glasses. Luckily I fell asleep with them in...the big no no and they were cloudy. He nearly met my fist. I say "What's the matter Cohan?" He says "I can't sleep. I keep dreaming zombies are trying to get me." I tell him "It's not zombies it's God telling you that you shouldn't have been watching that movie. Now get close over by Ms Erin and if Zombies come they'll get me first because like the movie said 'the fatties go first'" This reassured him and for 5 beautiful minutes I was back to sleep zombie free.
It's now 2am and the next thing I knew my daughter is kicking the crap out of me. I look down at the other end of the couch and she is "running" in her sleep. I call her name gently "Colleen? Colleen?" and am greeted with "NO! STOP! HELP!" I call again and she is simply kicking the crap out of me. I scream "COLLEEN MIKAYLA WHAT IS WRONG?" She sits up and screams "ZOMBIES!" Cohan now sits up and screams "ZOMBIES?! WHERE?!" Carter the 10 year old awakens gently enough, raises his hand and says "Don't worry Ms Erin, I'll double tap." (Zombieland movie line). So I spend the remainder of the night hearing what if this got infected and that got infected as my husband snores from the bedroom. I'm thinking "My God if they don't go to sleep I'm gonna help them get there."
So now on our front door resides a sing warning "Danger Zombies Ahead"These same parents would call me horrible. Yeah, well spend a week in my shoes! I call me being a real mom. I'm not gonna pretend I'm perfect. If I were what kind of fun would that be? Life isn't about being a Stepford wife. It's about making mistakes, learning from them, and not doing it again. Children don't come with an instruction manual. If they did how boring would that be? Look at what we'd miss out on!
I'd have known at kindergarten age you need to give clear and precise instruction. Had I known that I'd have missed out on her finger painting my walls. Telling her "you can paint whatever you want honey" got me beautiful black hand prints all over the kitchen and up the stairs walls. I'd have missed out the "don't worry mommy, I'll clean it up(s)" and the "I've got an idea(s)" so much. All the frustration is so worth the experiences I receive not knowing what will happen next.
Will I be buying this book? Probably not. Will I be thinking it's contents? Yeah, she's only 8 now. Will I be speaking it's words. Absolutely not. I don't want my child to think I don't love her. Will I be placing the mother's curse on her? OH YEAH! Because I can't wait til that day I get a call and it's her on the other line and I hear a child in the background going "Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!" and she's like "GO TO SLEEP OR I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET THERE!" I can just smile and and say "Having a little trouble dear? Don't worry, it only gets worse from here."
Sunday, June 26, 2011
What More Could I Ask For?
So as I sit here on this Saturday stressing the usual....how we are gonna pay for things I bow my head to say a small prayer to get through it all. Seems the hurrier I go the behinder I get. My caring heart never seems to end me out on top. If I have two I give to another. But rarely I find that others have the same belief as I. Not that one should be a doormat as I so graciously have been accepting for myself over the years but it would be nice for others to do onto me as I have done onto them.
That thinking I know in my Christian taught heart is wrong. You shouldn't give if you expect a return. Charity is just that....an unselfish giving of ones selves to benefit someone who is in a worse place then you are. I know this but being human that jealousy bug tends to fly in my way and I can't help wondering why people don't view the world the way I do. It would be a far better place if we all did. But it's not for me to decide for everyone else.
Some how some way through simple prayer, a miracle you might say the bills all get paid and food is provided on the table. Somehow we all manage to pull it all together in the end. Yet I still find the stress there, it's evil presence always on my mind. I guess as a mother having it all put together is just in our blood. We want to know the who, what, where, why and how of it all.
My daughter has learned at a young age that there are times we just can't even imagine keeping up with the Jones. I feel at times it's a failure on my part. But then Lord guides me differently. He says that by teaching my child charity I am doing much more for her then if I were to be able to give her everything in the world. That she knows that love that comes with what I can provide and one day when she is grown that love I have shown and the sacrifices I've made for her she will carry on and make her a better person.
Every time I feel this way I stop and say a little prayer. I look at all I have, husband, daughter, home, car, food in my fridge and love in my heart and realize I am richer then most. Sure they can take their kids everywhere and buy them everything. But that will never take the place of the love I have for my child. She won't remember every toy she had or every trip we made. But she will remember all the love her mother had for her. That is something all the money in the world can't ever replace.
So as I'm thinking how I can't borrow from Peter to pay Paul I receive and email stating my child received a scholarship to Kids College at Penn State Schuylkill. A tear falls down my face. Just another one of His small miracles for me to see that it's gonna be OK. Sure we may not have TV, phone, or computers this week but there's a reason. Between VBS and Kids College she won't even be here to enjoy them. The bills will get caught up. The stress will be gone. And I'll go through it again next month. But we'll get through. We've got God. We've got each other. We've got love. What more could I ask for?
That thinking I know in my Christian taught heart is wrong. You shouldn't give if you expect a return. Charity is just that....an unselfish giving of ones selves to benefit someone who is in a worse place then you are. I know this but being human that jealousy bug tends to fly in my way and I can't help wondering why people don't view the world the way I do. It would be a far better place if we all did. But it's not for me to decide for everyone else.
Some how some way through simple prayer, a miracle you might say the bills all get paid and food is provided on the table. Somehow we all manage to pull it all together in the end. Yet I still find the stress there, it's evil presence always on my mind. I guess as a mother having it all put together is just in our blood. We want to know the who, what, where, why and how of it all.
My daughter has learned at a young age that there are times we just can't even imagine keeping up with the Jones. I feel at times it's a failure on my part. But then Lord guides me differently. He says that by teaching my child charity I am doing much more for her then if I were to be able to give her everything in the world. That she knows that love that comes with what I can provide and one day when she is grown that love I have shown and the sacrifices I've made for her she will carry on and make her a better person.
Every time I feel this way I stop and say a little prayer. I look at all I have, husband, daughter, home, car, food in my fridge and love in my heart and realize I am richer then most. Sure they can take their kids everywhere and buy them everything. But that will never take the place of the love I have for my child. She won't remember every toy she had or every trip we made. But she will remember all the love her mother had for her. That is something all the money in the world can't ever replace.
So as I'm thinking how I can't borrow from Peter to pay Paul I receive and email stating my child received a scholarship to Kids College at Penn State Schuylkill. A tear falls down my face. Just another one of His small miracles for me to see that it's gonna be OK. Sure we may not have TV, phone, or computers this week but there's a reason. Between VBS and Kids College she won't even be here to enjoy them. The bills will get caught up. The stress will be gone. And I'll go through it again next month. But we'll get through. We've got God. We've got each other. We've got love. What more could I ask for?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I'm More Then A Parent
So it's been said that having one child really doesn't make you a parent. Because having more tends to give you more experience. But I'd have to challenge that. Having only one child gives you more experience then you can imagine.
I'm not just mom. I'm a best friend, playmate and comforter. There is no "go play with your sister" when I'm frustrated and need 5 minutes peace. I can't just ignore those big eyes begging me to "please play with playdough with me". There are many things I've got to compensate for since it appears that as of now it's not in the Lord's design for me to bear my child a sibling.
I don't harbor any hate towards those who have been blessed with more then one child. I do however, wish the words "Only Child Syndrome" would be eliminated from their vocabulary every time my child has a tantrum or shows that she is upset. It's as if having more then one child is really gonna solve that issue. And on that note it never seems to occur to those who do perhaps maybe I'd like more and that it literally tears at my heart to hear you suggest I do so. Not to mention what it does to my child.
It's hard to explain to a child who isn't even at the mindset to completely comprehend to facts of life why mommy just can't pop up pregnant. Explaining perhaps that I was only meant to have her is greeted with "I'd like to have a brother or sister to play with." Maybe honey it'll happen. Until then you've got me.
I haven't a problem getting messy! I love playing with my child. It's Ok to me to take the time I'd like to have for myself to sit and cut paper dolls, face paint, make goo, and spend that time with my child that had I had more she'd be spending with them. I look at this situation and think about all I'd be missing out on had another child be thrown in the mix. Would she even come and ask me to play with her? Would I be the one she'd wanna make art projects and cookies with? Would she even have the time to spend with me?
These are questions that probably will never have an answer. For now it's just her, me and her father. That's our family. May not seem special to anyone but it is to me. I am grateful to God He's giving me this chance to share my love with one of His greatest creations....my daughter. You just don't know the joy I have in my heart for being blessed to be the mother of "only one child".
For every time I've been frustrated with needing time for me I reflect back on the memories I've created with my child. Sure, I could insist she let me be. But when I'm gone what do I want her to remember? Do I want her to remember the mother that pushed her away to watch a television program or the mother who said "Sure! What do you wanna play?" Do I want her to think about how I ignored her or stopped the book I was reading to read to her. Memories like that are irreplaceable.
As for now I will be more then content with being more then just a parent. I will treasure forever the day my daughter told me I'm her best friend. I will treasure the memory of every mess, paper doll, art project and more that we did together. My life became complete the day she entered my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Perhaps one day the Lord will see fit to allow me to bare another child into this world. Perhaps I will get a chance to experience these things over again and hear my daughter say "I remember when we did that." Then she will not feel to old to join in a goo fights or put her hands into cookie dough. Until then it's just me and her against the world and the world hasn't seen nothing yet.
I'm not just mom. I'm a best friend, playmate and comforter. There is no "go play with your sister" when I'm frustrated and need 5 minutes peace. I can't just ignore those big eyes begging me to "please play with playdough with me". There are many things I've got to compensate for since it appears that as of now it's not in the Lord's design for me to bear my child a sibling.
I don't harbor any hate towards those who have been blessed with more then one child. I do however, wish the words "Only Child Syndrome" would be eliminated from their vocabulary every time my child has a tantrum or shows that she is upset. It's as if having more then one child is really gonna solve that issue. And on that note it never seems to occur to those who do perhaps maybe I'd like more and that it literally tears at my heart to hear you suggest I do so. Not to mention what it does to my child.
It's hard to explain to a child who isn't even at the mindset to completely comprehend to facts of life why mommy just can't pop up pregnant. Explaining perhaps that I was only meant to have her is greeted with "I'd like to have a brother or sister to play with." Maybe honey it'll happen. Until then you've got me.
I haven't a problem getting messy! I love playing with my child. It's Ok to me to take the time I'd like to have for myself to sit and cut paper dolls, face paint, make goo, and spend that time with my child that had I had more she'd be spending with them. I look at this situation and think about all I'd be missing out on had another child be thrown in the mix. Would she even come and ask me to play with her? Would I be the one she'd wanna make art projects and cookies with? Would she even have the time to spend with me?
These are questions that probably will never have an answer. For now it's just her, me and her father. That's our family. May not seem special to anyone but it is to me. I am grateful to God He's giving me this chance to share my love with one of His greatest creations....my daughter. You just don't know the joy I have in my heart for being blessed to be the mother of "only one child".
For every time I've been frustrated with needing time for me I reflect back on the memories I've created with my child. Sure, I could insist she let me be. But when I'm gone what do I want her to remember? Do I want her to remember the mother that pushed her away to watch a television program or the mother who said "Sure! What do you wanna play?" Do I want her to think about how I ignored her or stopped the book I was reading to read to her. Memories like that are irreplaceable.
As for now I will be more then content with being more then just a parent. I will treasure forever the day my daughter told me I'm her best friend. I will treasure the memory of every mess, paper doll, art project and more that we did together. My life became complete the day she entered my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Perhaps one day the Lord will see fit to allow me to bare another child into this world. Perhaps I will get a chance to experience these things over again and hear my daughter say "I remember when we did that." Then she will not feel to old to join in a goo fights or put her hands into cookie dough. Until then it's just me and her against the world and the world hasn't seen nothing yet.
We Are Both Mothers
A stay at home mom and a working mom never seem to get the credit where credit is due. One has to hear she isn't being a mom because she has to provide financially for her child. The other is told she doesn't have a real job because what she does gets paid in hugs and kisses. Yet those who are so prone to make accusations never have had the ability to walk a mile in either's shoes. They've never had to kiss a child good bye as the child cries, clinging to your feet, screaming "Mommy please don't go." As your heart melts trying to detach the child knowing if you don't there won't be a house to live in or food to eat. They've never had to be that mom that's wearing clothes from before the child was born, far from in style because your child needed new shoes. The working mom does what she can to provide for her family leaving little time for herself she comes and picks the child up from daycare, taking her little free time to cook, clean, and spend time with her child before bedtime. She is the last face her child sees before bed and the first face the child sees in the morn. Yet still she is chastised as not being a "real" mother. The stay at home mom has no time for herself. Her work begins before anyone wakes and ends never. She's cleaning and doing laundry while watching her child(ren). She's the first face they see in the morning and the last face they see at night while her paycheck may not pay bills it pays her heart. Yet still society tells her what she does isn't a job. Yet society hasn't taken a moment to work a day in her life. How can anyone not experience what the working mom or stay at home mom does and yet chastise them for the choices they may have not even had the choice to make on their own? It's what fits their family. For each loves their child(ren). Cares for their child(ren). Yet their status of "mother" and "worker" is challenged. But every day there are children born to those who could care less whether their child(ren) have food or clothes. They only care about themselves and getting theirs. Yet these females are still honored with the title of "mother". How? A mother is any women who would do anything to make sure their child(ren) are loved and cared for. Whether you are a working mom or a stay at home mom you are a mother. Your child's needs are always first and foremost on your mind. What you do whether it's paid in a check or in hugs and kisses is a job. Those who have the audacity to say else wise have never known our sacrifices. But that's alright. Our children know where our hearts lie and know how much Mommy loves them. That, society will never be able to take from us.....pure, unconditional love.
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